Ari Marantz came to the Red Army in the late 1990s after a successful career in the Maccabia Hockey League. Ari brings to the team all of the athletic prowess that Jewish people are well noted for. This versatile player goes both ways, (Note to Mike Teillet: this means he can play either forward or defence). His heroes growing up were Mike Veisor (Chicago 1974-79), Andy Brick (Red Army 1985-1998) and Steve Schultz (1947-99).

Ari comes to play giving a 110% effort on each shift except on Wednesdays when everything is 60% off. His skating, passing and shooting are all suspect but he has a knack for putting the puck into the net. Hockey experts are divided as to the reason for his scoring prowess. Some argue it’s his knuckleball shot that handcuffs goalies but contemporary thinking points to the declining quality of goaltending that Manager Charles Asselin has brought to camp.

Ari is bringing a new openness to the Red Army dressing room – where the rule used to be “The door stays closed and the cell phone stays off!”. After a game, it is not unusual for Ari to answer his cell phone to give a telephone interview with the Hockey News or listen to a reminder to pick up bread and milk on the way home. While some accept this new trend as inevitable, others think that it is eroding the macho mystique that surrounds the Red Army. You can often hear the crusty old veterans, such as The Steffer, mumbling about “pussy whipped newcomers taking grocery orders from their wives.”

Named after the philosopher Aristotle, Ari unsuccessfully attempts to live up to his namesake with debates about logic and metaphysics with teammate Art Watanabe (when Don Simonson is not around). However these discussions usually end quickly when Art counters with “I thought Ari was short for Airhead.”

Ari is noted for his precision passes into teammates skates and his famous tirades on the bench such as “Why didn’t you pass it to me a’hole, I was open”, “Why didn’t you shoot you moron?” “Why didn’t you wait til Saturday you could have got a 30% discount?”

Ari is the Red Army’s structural specialist and is lobbying hard to have this position made into an ‘official’ front office position so that he will get the same respect as the team Gopher or Key Grip. It was Ari who was responsible for the Red Army moving after 23 years at River Heights. After inspecting the River Heights Arena with his sophisticated “home inspectin’ equipment”, Ari reported to team management that the building was not safe for the Red Army to play in anymore. “One of Butch Bourne’s cannonading slap shots against the boards would be enough to implode the arena.” Upon his recommendation the Red Army moved to the centrally located Max Bell Centre at the University of Manitoba. This is as close to a place of higher learning that many of the Red Army players will ever achieve.

Extremely ambitious, Ari is actively trying to obtain a cub reporter position with the Hockey News but editors have steadfastly declined his offer. In their words: “He’s (Ari is) inexperienced, illiterate, has no sports acumen whatsoever and he doesn’t meet the high standards of quality reporting required to be a contributor to the Hockey News. We see no future for him in this field. A career of another endeavor is in order.” Fortunately for Ari, the Winnipeg Free Press has no such standards. Ari currently writes regular columns for the Free Press including a gossip column on the Red Army and another on home inspections.

I’m a man of few words so I won’t bore you with trivial meaningless comments that no one listens to anymore after I do say something which may be important to me but not to you but which I hold dear to my heart. You still didn’t pass the puck to me you a’hole.